Dear Santa,
It's me, Rebs. I know we go through this every year. I explain I'm a jew and shouldn't really be asking you for stuff and my wishes are unconventional and I go on to tell you I'm not really a things oriented person, well except when it comes to a big diamond because when I get engaged you best be sure I will be things oriented, but for right now I'm very ok asking you for the contrary. See it's the train sets and dolls that get all your attention this time of year and I'm sure you have just mass quantities being hammered one at a time in some cute little assembly line operated by elves and featured in a Christmas movie overplayed on network television, but for what I ask you, you don't even have to raise one finger. See this all started when I went to my sister's myspace page. And she has this sappy ass music all the time. I'd like for you to make her change it something cheery and upbeat - something I'd pick. See, Santa, you're going to start to pick up a theme here. Basically I'm going to ask you to make other people do stuff I want them to do. But because I'm like seriously filled to brim, overflowing at the seams, all about the peace and love, I'll ask you for a little of that too.
1. A baby brother. Not because my sister isn't totally kickass and don't give me the you can have one yourself. It's not the same. I want a baby brother. That you may have to lift a finger for. I don't know protocal. Not that I want you to knock up my mom, God that would be awkward. I don't need to know how you do it, just baby brother, and make it quick.
2. I would really really really very much so gosh i want it so so so bad, where was i, oh, i would like the dodgers to please go to the world series in 07. 7 is a lucky number. I think that's the year I'd like a motherfucking championship in my goddamn hometown. Sorry for the profanity Santa. You know how I get worked up over baseball. But seriously. I'm sure there are good teams in other cities with very nice fans that should I chance upon them in a shopping mall I'd make all kinds of pleasant smalltalk with. But f them (as dodger baseball goes).
3. Make Britney wear some panties. Goddamn it's hard being a Britney fan these days. People come to me for answers. Do I look like her publicist? And if so, why haven't I ever been paid? I don't even mind all the other behavior, just the underwear thing.
4. Make a boy like mad fall in love with me. It looks like sinfully wonderful in the movies and I have curiosities. It's a tall request but it's my most important wish, well next to the world series championship.
5. Jamie Watkins. Keep her safe in her travels. That's easy enough. You may have to work with God on this one. I asked him already, but maybe a quick follow up note would just speed things along. You know how requests just get backlogged with him.
6. Two of my friends just had babies, and another is coming soon. I'm excited about them and I'd just like some reassurance from you, and God, and whomever y'all consult, that there will be peace for my new friends here.
7. I'm over the days of asking for my Mom and Dad to be together or even asking for them to be civil with one another. And as painful as seeing them date is for little baby Rebs, I come to you from a very high spiritual place and ask you to find them partners that will bring added purpose to this point in their lives.
8. My cats ask of you additional birds for the outside of our apartment, and an occasional bug to sneak in under the door jam so that they may play for hours and hours and hours.
9. Because I am in change of risk management for the sorority I suppose asking you keep all my girls safe would be in order.
10. There may be appendix's and amendment but it's late Santa and ten is always a good number to cap things off with, so I'll end with ten. My tenth wish this Christmas season is, and now I feel all this pressure because it's my last wish so it has to be good, and it has to be good but not in a corny way, so I guess I wish that jewish boys and girls can get presents from you too. As cool as the festival of lights is, getting shit from you is way better. So don't be such a hater is what I'm saying.
Thanks Santa.
Rebs
